They think i want to kill myself…

They say they are worried about me, they ask me if i am going to be ‘safe’ until my next appointment. They tell me that i am going to need medication and they will talk to me about it tomorrow at my appointment. I don’t want to go, i want to stay home in bed but they say that it is important that i get up tomorrow. They ask me if i am going to hurt myself and when i tell them that i already have they insist that i get out of bed and go for a walk. I tell them that all i want to do is be left here to sleep forever and then they ask me what the difference between sleeping forever and dying is. I suppose there isn’t one. 

I read that there are two types of snakes. The first type simply bites you, and injects you with venom. The second coils itself around your chest and crushes you, stopping you from breathing, stopping your blood flowing and literally squeezing the life out of you. This feeling, of suffocation, not being able to breathe and feeling the tightness around your chest is exactly how i feel. I feel like i’m honestly going to die. Like i can’t do it anymore and like it is all going to end. Right now and nothing can change it. It hurts to inhale. Like there is a giant weight on your chest. And then i cut, at first i feel a pain, a stinging when the blade cuts through my skin. The next moment i feel nothing. It is like someone came along and lifted the heavy weight off my chest. I can breathe again. It may not be for long but these few moments of relief are the reason for my scars. I am unsure about how i feel about this. I mean sure i hate that i have scars, the same the embarrassment, the pain and the whole concept of the situation make me sick, but then i think about it in moments like this. When i have just cut i feel good, before the feelings of shame and guild come. I feel like if this is what it takes for me to feel just a little alive and like i can breathe again then perhaps it is worth it. Maybe without doing this i would soon explode and kill myself. I don’t know. Perhaps i am not making sense, but surely this is not the way to live. There must be an other way. This is simply wrong.

work.

You would hate to get yelled at work and made to cry in front of random customers when that was the one place where you actually felt somewhat less unhappy. 

Well what can i say? This is me

Video

The awkward moment when the most important person in your life tells you they will stop talking to you if you cut yourself again.

I don’t really know what to do. I feel that it is not fair that you are saying this to me. You are my best friend in the world and essentially the only thing which keeps me going. I feel that if it wasn’t for you i would no longer be alive, or at least not living in this city. I know when we started talking all you were looking for was a root and you didn’t expect it to turn to this, but for a while when everyone bailed on me you were all i had, and when the same happened to you i was all you had as well. We have been through way to much for it to come down to this. There is a part of me that wishes you would stop being my friend simply so i can move to sydney and have no regrets. After all that is all i really want. To run away and start again. I feel as if i am selling myself short by doing this, it says that i am not strong enough to stay, that i am a coward and i am running away. I can’t do this every time something goes wrong. I think that i will aways get a fresh start and everything will be better this time, but the reality of the situation is that this is not the case. Every time i start again i fuck it up and everything turns to shit. So should i stay and stick out and make the best of my life or should i leave and try once more to start again and do something worth while with myself? All i know is that you are the only thing which is keeping me here and you telling me that you will stop being my friend if i cut myself again makes me so confused and sad. Your words made me want to run into my room and pick up a knife. I feel as if it is something which i need to do to be here in this world, when everything gets too much and i think i want to end my life all i have to do is put a few cuts in my skin and i feel as if i can live to see the next day. Without doing it i feel as if everything would build up and become too much and then god knows what would happen. Don’t get me wrong i know that it is not a good thing to be doing and i would love to live a normal life where i would not even consider it, but right now that is just now how things are. The worst thing is that i am looking for any opportunity to die, or to hurt myself when there are people in hospital every single day fighting for there lives with all they have. They would do anything to live, even if it is just a few more years, months even. And here i am wishing i did not have to wake up the next day because i know i will have the overwhelming urge to try and take my life. I think about it every single day, i think about how i would do it, how it would feel and how to make it look like an accident because i couldn’t bear it if the people i am close to know i tried to kill myself. I wish for an a car accident, a murder, an accidental overdose, someone running through a red light. Anything. Just not a suicide. I can imagine there reactions, their feelings of guilt and wondering what had caused this to happen. There are some people who know how i feel but i honestly think none of them realise the intensity of these feelings and how badly i want it to happen. And then there is my family i mean surely they must have noticed that something is wrong, but if they have they sure as hell never mentioned it to me. I am always happy when i go to visit pretending like my life is perfect and i wouldn’t change a thing. “oh have you burnt yourself at work again” my mother will ask when she sees a new scar. Surely she knows that it’s a lie, there is a new one visible almost every time i see her. Surely she knows that i am not as clumsy as i pretend to be. 

List of things i said i would never do.. that i did.

– Have sex before marriage 

– Touch a cigarette 

– Touch drugs 

– Get a tattoo 

– Get a piercing other than my ears 

– cut myself 

– run away 

– see a psychologist 

– drop out of school 

– shoplift 

– be useless 

I feel that i am completely alone…

I feel like i am completely alone, like i am the only person who views the world this way. I feel like i need help, someone to care, someone who loves me and someone who will change my world. Sometimes i even think that people should feel sorry for me because of the things which i have to endure on a daily basis. Then there are times like right now, when i remember that there are thousands of other people who feel just like i do. In the moments when i am at my very lowest when i am cutting myself alone in my room i feel like no one will ever understand. Like no one will ever be able to relate to the pain i am feeling when the reality is there are so many other people who are doing the exact same thing, feeling the same way. I am not the only person who feels pain, who cries, who cuts who wants to die. It is a constant battle between wanting my life to end and wanting to be strong and proving everyone wrong. I should stop feeling sorry for myself and stop waiting for someone to come and ‘save’ me. I am not the only person who feels like this. It just kind of blows my mind that as i am writing this there is someone else out there who is at there worst. Someone who is hurting themselves in order to try and feel better… 

It kind of sucks when everyone is graduating high school today and i dropped out a week ago.

I don’t really know what i’m feeling; anger, sadness or just simply disappointment. Ever since i was a child i pictured the day i finished high school. I knew for certain ( or so i thought at the time) that i would finish with ease and get a great score. I thought i would be living with my parents studying every night and achieving incredible results. What kills me the most is the if circumstances had been different i could have done so well, my dreams could have become reality and i could have got the score i have always wanted. I am constantly blaming myself and i can’t stop thinking about the fact that right now, i could be sitting here in this very place the only difference would be that i would be typing the words ‘today i finished year 12’. I feel that despite the fact that i was unable to finish high school i have learnt so much more than all those other kids who right now have finished, i know that i too have gained knowledge and skills and maybe it isn’t the same as theirs but i’m defiantly grateful for what i have learnt. Struggling with the fact that everything is so different to what i have imagined, to what i had planned is actually very hard. I used to look down upon people like me, people who could not finish high school. I had such great expectations for myself and knowing that i can’t even finish high school makes me feel worthless. All my life i thought people like me were stupid and only now i realised that maybe there are other factors that contribute to weather someone finishes school or not. I know for a fact that i am not a stupid and yet i could’t do it. I have always been told that persistence was one of my biggest strengths but i gave up. The one quality people actually told me i possess has vanished. I dropped out of high school with one week to go, i couldn’t do it anymore and i know that i will regret it for a long time and i still don’t understand why i made such an irrational decision. I guess depression dose this kind of thing to you. I like to think that despite what happened i haven’t given up completely and i can still do something worth while with my life. Don’t get me wrong while all this has been happening i have thought of just ending it all and giving up completely. I have cut, cried and thrown up but i guess i still have the smallest bit of hope which keeps me going. I want to make a difference before i die and as far as i know i have not achieved this yet. I am not ready to die. Not today.