I’m so incredibly angry.

Why hire me and be amazingly nice to my face and then talk about how shit i am behind my back i think this is completely wrong and unfair if you were going to be so mean to me then why hire me and be so nice to my face. To be fair you cannot expect me to be so amazing at this job when i have had no experience before and it has only been a couple of days, i hope you realise that it takes a while for people to learn things. 

I wish everything was different

I had it all planned out, since i was a child. It kills me everyday to know that i have become the opposite to what i had intended. Now i have new hopes and new dreams. To  join to army, to runaway and move country, to be a policeman, to go to africa and build a hospital. The thing which is holding me back is fear, i am so afraid to do these things for the most ridiculous reason. You see despite the fact that i would like to achieve all of these amazing things the one dream from my childhood which i have never let go of is that i want to fall in love. The thing i want most in the world is to get married and start a family, and i am afraid if i start doing one of those other things i will forget what is truly important to me. I am afraid that wanting to excel at one of these things will distract me for the one thing i feel that i am born to do, that when the opportunity dose arise i will pass it up like it is nothing because i am pre occupied. I find it very difficult to decide what i want to do with my life and i am scared i will spend so much time trying to decide on something incredible before i know it my life will pass right before my eyes and i will have achieved nothing, just like every singe day for the past few days. Every night when i go to bed i tell myself that “tomorrow will be the day i get things done, i will wake up early and i will change my habits” but every single morning when i wake up i lie in bed for hours trying to fall back asleep, because asleep is where i feel most at peace. I struggle to get up, to do normal tasks and to live a normal life. By the time i finally get out of bed it is time for me to watch neighbours and to start relaxing to go to bed, it is far to late to start anything and once again i am left feeling like shit, accomplishing nothing. After all, what screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it is supposed to be…. 

Death is easy. To live is the most painful thing i can imagine.

It’s a distraction, for one moment you don’t feel all the pain, the loss and the hurt. All you feel is the blade going through your skin and the blood dripping down your leg. You don’t think about how alone you are or how fat and ugly you are. You don’t think about how wrong everything about you is and you definitely don’t think about the shame you will feel in a weeks time when you see your scars. You don’t think of the people who talk about you behind your back or about how your family wishes you were never borne, nor do you think of your friends who hate you. All you think about is the blood. The worst part is you know you will want to do it again. Why? because all the hurt and pain comes back. When your cut is no longer fresh you can feel the build up of pain, sadness and anxiety until you cant take it anymore. You have to cut again. Maybe a little deeper this time so the numbness will last longer. The pain on the inside gets worse so the pain on the outside needs to get worse too. Its the one think you have control over. The pain on the inside cannot be controlled. It only gets worse and their is nothing you can do about it. It will never go away, but you can control the pain on the outside. So thats why you do it.

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