To start again…

It seems like it would be so perfect, to run away, to start again, to go somewhere new. To take nothing but yourself and to know nobody. You can be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do. But when this opportunity arises do you take it? Perhaps it isn’t as easy as it seems. Maybe it is harder to let go of who you once where and what you now love. They say it is best for you, they tell you it needs to be done, you are told you ‘need help’ and somehow disappearing and cutting contact with everyone in your life now will somehow fix you.

Mary had a Little Lamb,
His fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went,
the Lamb was sure to go.
He followed her to school each day.
Twasn’t even in the rule.
He made the children laugh and play,
to have the Lamb at school.
And then the rules all changed one day,
illegal it became;
To bring the Lamb of God to school,
or even speak His name.
Every day got worse and worse,
and days turned into years.
Instead of hearing children laugh,
we hear of pain and tears.
what must we do to stop the pain,
thats in our kids today?
Lets let the Lamb come back to school,
and teach our kids to pray!

But dose a crazy person know they are crazy or are they blissfully unaware?

So turns out that i am completely nuts. I feel as if there is always someone watching me no matter what i am doing, i mean i used to think it was just a bad feeling which only occurred sometimes and when i am home alone at night i refuse to leave the room. I have to close all the curtains and doors and i fear getting out of my bed. I really don’t know what has gotten into me but i am concerned that i am losing my mind. But then again dose a crazy person know that they are crazy? I have wondered what the answer to this question is for a very long time and i am yet to reach a conclusion. It is very troubling now that i come to think of it. I mean i know i do not have the best mental health with the depression and anxiety and all but i am worried there is something worse than that wrong with me. I have not told my psychiatrist or my psychologist any of these irrational fears yet because i am fearful that i will be diagnosed with some sort of mental illness which requires me to be institutionalised. They are already asking me if i ‘feel safe’ or if i think i will hurt myself and they tell me that i need to be aware that if they get the impression i will be a danger to myself or others that they will need tell someone else. They say they are very worried about me. They think i am going to kill myself. They never used to tell me this often that they might need to call someone else, but now they are ringing me almost every day, asking me if i have got out of bed today, telling me to go have a shower and something eat. They suggest going for a walk and they want me to take my medication. I legitimately think there is something wrong with me, as i lie in bed ready to sleep for the night i feel the fear growing inside of me, perhaps it is because i am alone. I have images of a man walking into my house, into my room. All dressed in black of course and i cannot see his face. As the fear begins to consume me i begin to panic, there is no way i can sleep now, i get up turn on all the lights and listen for this so called intruder which in fact is in my imagination. Every tiny sound makes me jump and  heart skips a beat. I want to check the house and yet i am too afraid to leave the room. I must wait until the morning. I know this all sounds completely insane and this is the problem. Now it is not only at night, this morning after brushing my teeth i couldn’t bring myself to leave the bathroom, i was suddenly afraid that there was someone out there to ‘get me’. I sat in the corner of the bathroom weeping and then i realised how crazy i was acting and that if i didn’t snap out of it i would be late to work. I am losing my mind….