Now that i think about i realise how absurd my actions were

I don’t know what came over me, i was just so angry. It was at work and the managers there are just not the nicest people. I left his office holding back tears and i went into the kitchen, i took a knife hoping that nobody was looking and i went into the staff change room where i locked the door. We only have one room for everyone so there was people waiting outside. By this time the tears were streaming freely down my face. I was a mess. I was convinced that i was going to cut myself deep enough to end my life there and then. When i have planned my own death it has never involved a knife or cutting of any kind. My mentality was that since they were killing  me slowly by cutting most of my shifts and only giving me a couple which i can not even go to i was going to save them the trouble and just end it for them were they can see it happen. I was deep in thought preparing myself for what i was about to do when i heard loud banging on the door and people shouting for me to come out because there shift was about to start and they had to change. I immediately snapped out of it and composed myself. Turns out what i that was a mere 5 minutes had been over half an hour. It scares me to think how many times this week i have been close to killing myself because i have rare moments of clarity when i realise how silly i am being and that i do in fact want to live. I am terrified because i know these moments are coming less and less often as the weeks go by and my thoughts of suicide more and more often. 

Today i realised i am too afraid to kill myself.

The thing is, i am not afraid of dying. In fact; that is exactly what i want. As i sat on my computer all morning trying to figure out how many of the pills i have i would need to take to kill myself i read all about how people who tried failed and ended up in a mental institution. That is the last thing in the world i want. I had decided that today would be the day i ended my life, but instead i just ended up confused and with a hell of a lot more new cuts all over my body. I am not afraid of dying, but i am afraid that i will try to end my life and fail, leaving me more sad, desperate and confused than i am now. I can’t imagine having to live through that. Having everyone find out how crazy i really am and give me looks of pity every time they see me. They probably  will not allow me to go to work or do any of the normal things that normal people do. As much as i love that no one has any idea about what is going on i sort of wished i could tell someone absolutely everyone. My best friend came close to knowing everything, but only a couple of days ago i realised he was no longer my best friend. It brought me to the realisation that nothing lasts and that there is no point in trying because you will only just get hurt in the end.

Not the biggest fan of new years…..

I was excited for this day for a while, i was convinced with the new year i would finally have the strength, courage and determination to completely change my life. There was a massive list of things in my mind, including the following. 

– stop self harming

– run everyday

– do crossfit 

– go to tafe

– make friends

But now that i think about it, it is all so silly. I mean if i had wanted to do these things bad enough and ‘change my life’ for the better i wouldn’t have to wait for just this one day to do it, i could have started any day. Now that the new year has began i have no more motivation than i did a couple of days ago. I suppose i should have known. I just hate new years because i think a lot of people are convinced the next year will bring better things and they will be happier. When in fact this is not true at all, and you will only be left disappointed. In saying this it also made me think about how no matter how hard i try every year it all turns to shit anyway so what is the point?