Now that i think about i realise how absurd my actions were

I don’t know what came over me, i was just so angry. It was at work and the managers there are just not the nicest people. I left his office holding back tears and i went into the kitchen, i took a knife hoping that nobody was looking and i went into the staff change room where i locked the door. We only have one room for everyone so there was people waiting outside. By this time the tears were streaming freely down my face. I was a mess. I was convinced that i was going to cut myself deep enough to end my life there and then. When i have planned my own death it has never involved a knife or cutting of any kind. My mentality was that since they were killing  me slowly by cutting most of my shifts and only giving me a couple which i can not even go to i was going to save them the trouble and just end it for them were they can see it happen. I was deep in thought preparing myself for what i was about to do when i heard loud banging on the door and people shouting for me to come out because there shift was about to start and they had to change. I immediately snapped out of it and composed myself. Turns out what i that was a mere 5 minutes had been over half an hour. It scares me to think how many times this week i have been close to killing myself because i have rare moments of clarity when i realise how silly i am being and that i do in fact want to live. I am terrified because i know these moments are coming less and less often as the weeks go by and my thoughts of suicide more and more often.