I wish everything was different

I had it all planned out, since i was a child. It kills me everyday to know that i have become the opposite to what i had intended. Now i have new hopes and new dreams. To  join to army, to runaway and move country, to be a policeman, to go to africa and build a hospital. The thing which is holding me back is fear, i am so afraid to do these things for the most ridiculous reason. You see despite the fact that i would like to achieve all of these amazing things the one dream from my childhood which i have never let go of is that i want to fall in love. The thing i want most in the world is to get married and start a family, and i am afraid if i start doing one of those other things i will forget what is truly important to me. I am afraid that wanting to excel at one of these things will distract me for the one thing i feel that i am born to do, that when the opportunity dose arise i will pass it up like it is nothing because i am pre occupied. I find it very difficult to decide what i want to do with my life and i am scared i will spend so much time trying to decide on something incredible before i know it my life will pass right before my eyes and i will have achieved nothing, just like every singe day for the past few days. Every night when i go to bed i tell myself that “tomorrow will be the day i get things done, i will wake up early and i will change my habits” but every single morning when i wake up i lie in bed for hours trying to fall back asleep, because asleep is where i feel most at peace. I struggle to get up, to do normal tasks and to live a normal life. By the time i finally get out of bed it is time for me to watch neighbours and to start relaxing to go to bed, it is far to late to start anything and once again i am left feeling like shit, accomplishing nothing. After all, what screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it is supposed to be….