Three Minutes

Record three minutes of my fucking thoughts.

What are thoughts, why won’t my brain fucking shut up? it’s constantly noisy and never quiet. Will it ever stop? Do other people have there brains stopping? is there quiet? peace? what the fuck do normal people think about on a daily basis. I literally cannot stop thinking about the thing

the thing

the thing

the thing

what is the thing? I remembered on my drive to work this morning that sometimes a couple of months ago my boyfriend said I am not the best sex he ever had. Why did I remember this? I don’t know. why am I stuck on it? I don’t know either

yes, I want to be the fucking best.

I want him to think I am the best

I am not the best

who was the best

don’t fucking tell me who was the best

that will make it worse

when I was hurt that he said I wasn’t he said “well can you for 100% certain say that I am your best”

I could.

But I didn’t “pfft no” I lied

Because I would feel foolish. It would be foolish. Not foolish, afraid of the feeling of rejection.

Why aren’t I his best?

What do I need to do better?

why can’t I fucking stop thinking about it?

has it been three minutes?

it has.

Fuck the Journal Prompts

Today I looked up journal prompts to try and find something to write about because

A)I am bored out of my balls at work

B) I need to stop looking at social media at work because it makes me even more miserable

C) I am fucking miserable

The problem is I have no reason to be sad, or depressed or anxious. For the first time in my life, everything is fucking perfect and has been for almost a year now. However, for the last 6 months, my brain has taken it upon itself to find a new way of making me miserable. I didn’t notice at first, it was just me trying to lose weight, soon the numbers on the scale where all I would think about all day every day. Then I reached my goal weight. just one more fucking kilo, my mind says, and my body listened. I soon came to my senses and thought “muscles cannot be built on a calorie deficit” and thus my obsession ended. Soon enough the next thing came along. My boyfriend keeps pictures of his ex on his phone. This was a big one. Day in and day out, hour after hour images would pass through my mind. If I was lucky that’s all it was. A picture popping into my mind, a feeling of anxiety, and then back to whatever I was doing. If I was unlucky the questions began to pop up. The irrelevant fucking questions which have no bearing on my current relationship what so ever. What’s worse than the questions, was the false answers which my mind brought to me. “yes he must have loved her” “yes he wishes that it had worked out with her, instead he just has you” “you are just the consolation prize”. We know that thoughts are not facts, but damn they sure feel real. After several conversations, arguments even. The thoughts stopped, and when the pictures did pop back up, there was no reaction.

Thank fucking God I thought. I can finally be happy.

Right?

Fucking wrong.

Because as soon as one thing is resolved the next thing comes up, and it never fucking stops. It seems almost like my mind wants me to to be miserable. Like my brain does not have the option to be happy, because even when everything is perfect it feels like I am not even here.

Because i keep hearing it over and over agiain in my head…

“Afterall we are born to die”

I know i have been better lately, but for some reason this last week has me feeling the way i used to. At first i tried to blow it off thinking ‘we all have bad days’ but apprently we have bad weeks too. I’m fucking scared becuase all i want to do is go home and use my blade. I suppose that is why i asked to stay at Damians house tonight. There is not much i can do in the way of hurting myself if i am here. I am trying my best to act normal but i will occasionally catch myself out staring into space. I don’t want to upset anyone around me because as much as i hate to admit it these people actually care. I’m worried because as much as i adore him and i don’t want to hurt him by doing this to myself i know for a fact that if i were alone nothing could stop me from doing that. The past couple of months when i have wanted to hurt myself the mere thought of him has given me the strength to continue with my day without doing it again. They tell us that it is ok if we have bad days and if it happens again, but i don’t want it to happen again. I don’t want to have to feel like this anymore. It scares me that the thought of dying seemed apealing when we drove over that bridge today. And what scares me the most is that simply looking across at him reminded me of all the reasons which i have to live. I need to be able to see these reasons alone…. i can’t depend on other people to help me know that i am ok..

I feel like i don’t belong i suppose. Out of place..

I don’t know what to say. I hear other people laughing and i feel jelous that i am not that care free. I wish that i could feel thaat way right now. I don’t mean to feel sad but it just comes over me sometimes and i don’t know what to do

 

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You are slowly taking down the walls i have put up around me and leting yourself in <3

I never in my life thought someone would get this far, could get so close to me. I think i am ready to let you in 

A memory i cannot get out of my head…

“i love you so much” he muttered over and over again. I keep replaying this memory in my head as the feelings it brought to me and indescribable. “I won’t let anyone hurt you” it was all so fucking raw and honest and like nothing i have ever experienced. I still cannot stop thinking about those moments i had with you, the way you spoke to me. The way you looked into my eyes like i was… i dunno special or something. You told me your biggest secret and i want you to know that it doesn’t change the way i feel about you in the slightest. I still see you as the single most magnificent being in this world. Ever since the first time you told me you loved me for the first time i have been trying to build up the courage to tell you. To love is to be vulnerable and that is why i am afraid my heart can be broken, but i want to keep it intact. I don’t want you to have that power over me, but i am afraid you already do. I know i do, i know it. I hope i can gather the strength to say it to you soon because you deserve to know. To know that i would do anything in my power to make you smile. To know that you are always on my mind and to know that your happiness comes before mine because that is how fucking much i care for you. Words cannot describe the way i feel about you and i just wish there was a way for you to know. I have never felt this way about anyone else before.

 

On an other note it just occurred to me that i started writing about you and ended about writing too you. This is why i am never gonna be real writer. I have no skill. None at all. 

Drugs and alcohol make us say funny things

Well I never in my life thought a man would actually say these words to me. But you did it and it was so fucking brave. It felt like in that busy place there was no one else there as you said those three words I couldn’t possibly ignore. I honestly felt my heart skip a beat. Nothing around us mattered because in that moment it was just you and I. You looked into my eyes with such certainty and for the first time in my life I felt a feeling which I could not even begin to describe. I felt safe and secure and like nothing in the world could ever hurt me again because you would always be there to protect me. I was terrified for a long time because I knew I was falling for you hard and fast and that’s defiantly not something a girl like me wants. I didn’t think you would be there in the end and I would be left alone trying to pick up the pieces like all the times before. I didn’t know if things would work out in the future because we hold a couple of different values, and I didn’t think you would always be here for long,but in that moment everything felt right. I knew in my heart that everything could be worked out and I wanted nothing more than to hear you say those words over and over again. You are honestly the most special person I have ever met in my entire life and from the very beginning I suspected that you where the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Nothing you could ever tell me would change the way I feel about you as long as you continue to be so honest with me. You honestly are the man of my dreams who I have waited all my life to meet and I am so lucky to have you. I could sit here and write a list of the things I absolutely adore about you, but lefts save that for an other day. The only thing is as magical this all sounds, you where drunk. I feel just as insecure again this morning because I’m not sure if everything was bullshit or not. I hope to god it was true and you say it again to me sometime otherwise I am being a fucking stupid person living in a fantasy which will never come true. The reason why I’m afraid to let you read this is because I think I’ll scare you away if you know how much I care for you and want to be with you in every possible way. Anyways I better stop because your telling me
It’s time to go

Stuck in the wilderness

Well, not quite. But I did go camping, in the bush. I wish I could iowrite about it, but I feel that I do not have the skill to express to you the beauty of my surroundings as I wondered around the camp site. I wish that I could write the way other people do with such……well you see, I can’t even think of the word. Perhaps I need to expand my vocabulary or something. What I can say however is that it was one of the most magnificent experiences of my life and I’m so glad I did it.

Lately i’ve been losing sleep dreaming about the things that we could be

I suppose the feeling of worthlessness is perhaps more common than we think. There was a time when i thought i could be anything i wanted. I am not so sure anymore. It seems impossible with everyone around you displaying skills which i can only dream of having. I have no idea what sort of fututure i have but i sure as hell know i have to do something differently or it will not be a very bright one.

On an other night i went to some caves the other day. It was probably the most scary experience of my entire life but i am glad i did it. The darkness of the caves and the closeness of the rocks around me brought fear to me and hearing the water gush around me made for very negative thoughts. But i got through it and that is the main thing. Imagine having to crawl on your stomach between a river underneath you and a boulder on top of you with barely enough space to wriggle through. It was terrifying.

I hope you never see me the way I see myself.

So it takes a special kind of person to be able to make me feel the way he dose. It scares me. More than that, it terrifies me. They tell me I push away anyone who tries to get close to me and yet for the first time in two years I finally feel that just maybe that won’t be the case… But then again, it has only been a couple of weeks. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him in any way. I find myself more concerned about his feelings than my own and I don’t want to do anything in the world that could upset him. I sometimes think maybe I should just leave him alone in order to avoid anything bad happening in the future, but I don’t think I could do that. I don’t want to stop feeling the way he makes me feel. But then what will happen when he realizes I am not as fantastic as he thinks. When he starts to see all the things wrong with me that I see every single day? I think he is so fucking amazing and he deserves far far better than me. I don’t think anyone in my life has ever been as good to me as he has and it’s not fair. I can never give him that, I could never be that good to him. Although he makes me happy I just know I’m not good enough and that makes me sad because I know he will realise this soon